McCreadyandChess

Many extra-planetary invaders these days are trans-morphs -creatures that have the ability to change their shape to resemble other life forms. The chilling fact is that they could be living and playing amongst us right now. The man sitting next to you on the bus, the lady in front of you in the post office queue, your opponent in your last county match…any of these could be an extra-terrestrial being waiting for the signal to launch an all-out attack on planet earth.

But we can spot them. Like the body snatchers with their stiff little finger, aliens always make a small mistake that reveals their true identity. Why not take my fun quiz to discover whether your team captain is planning an annihilation of the earth instead of how to win the league?

1) You visit your team captain’s home and see him hanging out his washing. What is the predominant colour of his clothes?

a) Beige.

b) Fawn.

c) Silver, sparkling with unearthly iridescent hues.

2) You see your team captain in Marks and Spencers buying a pair of trousers. How many legs are there on the trousers he is taking to the till?

a) 2.

b) 2.

c) More than 2.

3) You go into the barbers for a haircut and see your team captain in the chair next to you. How would you describe the shape of his head?

a)  Normal.

b) Very slightly elongated or squashed.

c) Mekon-shaped with an aerial sticking out of the top.

4) You pop out one Sunday morning to fetch the papers and see your team captain washing his car. What type of car is it?

a)  A small, economical hatchback.

b) An executive saloon car.

c) A hovering silver disc, with a perspex dome. With an aerial sticking out of the top.

5) You are chatting with your team captain before an important league match against Bedford when he mentions that he is going away for the weekend to visit his mum. Where does he say she lives?

a) Clophill.

b) Flitwick.

c) In the forth quadrant of a galaxy far, far away.

How did UFO do?

Score 1 point for every (a that you answered, 2 points for each (b, and three points for every c).

5-10. Relax your team captain is a fully paid up of the human race an earthling through and through.

10-14 Don’t panic. He’s probably not an ET. But even if he is, chances are he comes in peace to our planet.

15  Oh dear! Your team captain is definitely an alien hellbent on crushing mankind as if we were no more than insects. The survival of our earth is now in your hands alone. You must act NOW. Your team captain must be killed before he has the chance to carry out his evil plans. Sneak into his cellar when he is at the shops and you will probably find a glowing orb that is the source of all his power. Smash it with something you find in the cellar, remembering to shield your eyes when it explodes. When he gets back from the shops, he will have aged at a fantastic rate and will be having difficulty breathing. He may hold out his hand and ask you for help. Although you will feel pity on him, you must be resolute. Remember the millions who will die if you show him any mercy. Simply stand back and watch as he turns into a spangly cloud of gas, and then turn to look up at the stars with a pensive expression.

A picture from Luton V Bedford 1995, Bedfordshire league. Not sure which of the Ledger brothers that is to the left there.

I am indebted to Viz for the inspiration behind the post.