McCreadyandChess

115. A regrettable incident

The Badmaster (Diggle) has always been an inveterate P-K4 man, regarding all other openings as fit only for deviants and ‘long-haired leftists’. Occasionally, however, when the mood seizes him, he plays through a few hypermodern games from respectable chess periodicals, and he recently selected at random a British Championship 1982 effort commencing with 1. N-KB3 P-QN3, as he had espied a lengthy note by the victor (White) explaining Black’s reply, which promised to open up before the BM’s eyes vast up-to-date strategical subtleties and even put him in the way of ‘thinking like a Grandmaster’. The experiment, indeed, surpassed expectations, as the note ran as follows: ‘A very sly move. My opponent had not yet appeared when I made my first move and so I departed to watch the top games on the demonstration boards. I was later told, by an aspiring supergrass, that when [my opponent] finally turned up at the board he made his move and quickly left through the nearest exit. His hope was that I would not notice this ‘small’ move from a distance and would lose a lot of time on the clock. Fortunately, this dastardly ruse only cost me 8 minutes…’

The BM, however is in no position to moralize over ‘such goings-on’ in high places, as he himself once featured in a ‘regrettable incident’ while his opponent was away from the board. It was in a London Banks League Match, and his worthy adversary, having got a winning game, wandered away ‘all debonair’ while the BM was slowly stewing in his own juice. It must be explained here as part of the false bonhomie in Banks League encounters refreshments are provided halfway through the evening; there is, however, none of that degrading cafeteria queuing sometimes seen at low weekend Congresses, and though the fare consists of one cup of coffee and one piece of cake per warrior, these dainties are served in true Lombard Street style, being silently brought round to the various boards by silver-haired messengers of grave demeanour. On this occasion, the ‘feast’ arrived with the BM’s opponent still absent, and with the BM himself pouring over the board in great mental stress and groping simultaneously for some saving resource and for his cake ration which, alongside his opponents, he was vaguely conscious had just been placed amidships. Having partaken freely of cake in his abstraction, he made his move and came to, only to find to his horror that he had wolfed not only his moiety but had started on his opponents as well. That gentleman, on his return, finding himself virtually victorious if partially cakeless, generously said, “not to worry, I’m not at all hungry”. But some of the BM’s malicious teammates deliberately raised a great hue and cry, and (ostensibly to preserve the good name of the Club, but in reality to embarrass and humiliate the BM) proffered profuse apologies to the opposition – ‘He just can’t help it, you know!’ ‘You should see him at our Annual Dinner!’ ‘Do let him finish it up, Sir, it’ll be the first time in his life HE’S EVER BEEN A PIECE TO THE GOOD!’

June 1985

The type of playing hall that Diggle frequented in his earlier years can be seen below.