Archive for July 27th, 2016

The dullest game I ever played was against a young N. Pert at the Hitchin Open in 1991 rated 144 at the time I think. After a ponderous beginning, a forcing line in the 3. …c5 line of the French Tarrasch quickly centered around the elimination of the black IQP. Pert managed to exchange it off but drew everything else on the board into the action and created an almighty exchange-fest in a turbo-charged two seconds, leaving a completely symmetrical king and pawn ending, that could not have looked anymore drawn. I still remember the brief eye contact we exchanged after the game -a true wtf? moment we both acknowledged. An on-looker, who called himself ‘supra-super multi-ball Marvin’ a self-proclaimed pinball champion said at his best he can handle 18 balls even with his eyes closed but the pace the pawns and pieces came off the board during the game was far beyond his capability. Whilst standing side by side taking a piss together in the bog he asked me if I had super natural powers whilst breathing in some of the steam I released at the urinals, wanting to know how I could capture minor pieces with such speed without them.

By far the most pointless game I ever played, I always laughed at the breakneck speed it suddenly ended in the most dead drawn position imaginable -it was impossible not to laugh at it. We both played to win, a truism no chess player alive could ever be convinced of if they were able to play through the game -hopefully long since lost by both players.

More recently, I’m informed that Ncholas Pert inadvertently entered the Guinness Book of Records during his handling of the Caro-Kann against Peter Batchelor when over half a million chess computers around the world were blown up by the obscurity of the line he chose and position he reached on move 11. I’m sure once you’ve had a look yourself you’ll understand why.

1

Last moves were 11. Ngf3 Bd6

What on earth has white achieved here? GM N. Pert showing that as an adult the wtf? play which I noted when he was a child is in evidence still. I suspect white’s moves freaked out our gadgets so much, malfunction was inevitable.

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