McCreadyandChess

Turner Hall, Newmarket, voted as the world’s most exciting and glamorous chess venue for more than a decade now, where the East Anglian Chess Union meet to battle it out over the board may no longer remain its adopted home. Newmarket’s most influential council members are said to be unhappy with the chess teams who, long since accustomed to finding the middle of nowhere, visit their provincial little town only to shun its new-found pride of itself, however meretricious it may be. A disgruntled council member put forward recently that ‘perhaps they find somewhere else to play their stupid little games’, instantly seconded, whence consternation ensued within the EACU thereafter.

When asked why, a senior council member said:

Although we exude a much greater degree of cultural demise than just about any other town in the nation, courtesy of our long history of horse racing and the generations of aristocracy that chose their country retreats with us, from whom we gained such notoriety, we’ve nonetheless drawn in massive investment turning Newmarket into Suffolk’s sleaziest playground; the high street stacked oh-so-high with strip clubs, gentlemen’s clubs, lap dancing clubs, a casino, adult stores aplenty, vastly superior to all others across the nation; where else can you find thousands of second-hand jazz mags that never have pages stuck together in England? There’s loads and loads of boozers for the lads bursting with testosterone…yeah, yeah okay, okay during the day it still carries centuries of lifelessness that only the poets of yesteryear could find value in and the author of this post always found its horror inescapable but when the sun goes down, Newmarket is a den of iniquity that resonates across the county to other really happening places like Stowmarket.

But these bloody chess players are something else. All they ever do is turn up, play their silly little games and go home. They never speak to anyone in the town, do anything or go anywhere. I’ve never come across such a bunch of anti-social buggers before in all my life, the lack of deference to the development of the town is staggering…shocking really, and they’ve been like it for years! What’s the point in them coming here? Just to play chess? There’s a bit more to life than that I can tell you.

The last time I went to that Turner Hall when they were there it was like walking into a funeral or something. All we want is for people to come to Newmarket and enjoy what its got to offer not turn up and then turn their back on the place only to then bugger off home. Our proposals are, if they want to use the Turner Hall in future, then we’ll either increase the fees but give them tickets to one of the many gentlemen’s clubs in and around the town, or in the break they have between their games we’ll get some strippers down there with a few naked mud wrestling shows and the likes.

Punters come here to spend and party now, not play boring board games all day long. Such anti-socialism could give the town a bad image, never mind those 1980’s style packed lunches you see them with. Newmarket is on the up…albeit in the most degenerate manner imaginable, but we just want to see these chess gents to get into the spirit of it all, that’s all. Degeneration and its over-expenditure…or vice-versa is the name of the game in modern day England -forget culture there’s no dosh in that.

 

The images below are only an indication of what chess players should expect to see in Turner Hall from next season the glittering array of single mums on the dole dancers provided may be of vastly inferior quality, and regretfully, an agreement not to off load us with a bunch of mingers could not be reached after I was informed that they didn’t have much else. When asked for my opinion, being as diplomatic as I could be, I suggested that such a dramatic uncultured development may cause unrest amongst more senior members.

After years of drab county matches, all players may expect the following between breaks during matches at Turner Hall, Newmarket. Home to Suffolk’s greatest ever tourist explosion.

Don’t get too excited now!

Heffalumps take note: nothing to see here.

Is it Hollywood? No. Is it Heaven? No. Is it Newmarket, Suffolk? Yes. Is it (yet) another example of degenerate modern-day England? No comment.

Stowmarket. Another really happening Suffolk town.