Archive for July 8th, 2022

Dear Ken, the agony uncle to write to if you need advice.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard Hello Ken and thanks for having me on. Ken we’ve got a situation with one of the D team players. We think we know what it is but are unsure of what to do about it.

One of the D team players keeps getting up from the board, going into the car park, meeting someone in a car, handing them small plastic bags of something and collecting money. He does this about 20 times each match but it only takes him a minute or two, so he doesn’t get into time trouble but his behaviour is so suspicious. We think he’s selling drugs during the match but we can’t prove it. What do we say to him and what do we do if he is?

KEN: oh yes, so he’s making a bit on the side by palming off some pharmaceuticals to a few go-likelies. Well, clearly you should go out to the car park when he does and buy some off him too. Might make you enjoy your game a bit more, and if he’s selling uppers it might improve your game a lot, as you can calculate much faster on that stuff -trust me I know from experience.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard, you are saying we should be going on the drugs on match nights?

KEN: yeah why not?

Read Full Post »

Dear Ken, the agony uncle for those chess players in need of advice.

James, Northampton hello Ken and thank you for publishing my letter. It’s about something that happened at our club. One of our members is gay and very flirtatious. In recent months he’s been accused of following club members about and sexually harassing them. We had a meeting and agreed to ask him to stop. Anyway, it didn’t and on one evening he tried to molest one of the pensioners who plays for us. When the club secretary went to speak to him, he pulled out a knife and stabbed him. He then ran off. We learn that he’s joined the Rushden club and is behaving in the same manner. Should we warn them of him or get him banned?

KEN: this geezer sounds like a right shister but the solution is simple. On a match night, make sure you get a good few pints in, get yourself lagered up. Then drive over to this Rushton club and stab him back! If he tries it on, batter the bastard. Don’t get the old bill involved for fuck’s sake. Just, erm, go over there pissed up and knife him.

James, Northampton But Ken, we could kill him?

KEN: you won’t kill him unless you hit vital or non vital organs. Just put a blade in his back and get him put on the sex offenders register.

Read Full Post »

The agony uncle column for chess players in need of advice.

Richard, Cranfield. Hello Ken something happened last week which we can’t allow to happen again, please help!

We had a match against Luton on their turf. Near the end of the match a player stopped his clock and agreed to a draw. His opponent said he hadn’t offered one and so they had to play on. It got out of hand. A massive punch up soon occurred accusations of ‘cheat’ screamed and shouted and chairs were thrown. The police had to be called but our player was so fired up when they entered the playing hall he took a swing at a few officers. Before he left the hall our player had a cut above the eye where he got hit by a chair but presently he is in hospital with 6 broken ribs, a broken ankle, multiple lacerations, a broken arm, several contusions, a broken jaw, 6 missing teeth and a broken nose, injuries he sustained after he slipped on the kerb outside the playing hall, according to the police report. Luton is a rough place and we don’t want to play there again, what should we do?

KEN: listen, just turn up there tooled up next time and don’t get the police involved for fuck’s sake. If he didn’t offer a draw, then his opponent had no right to stop the clocks. The match should be replayed but go there tooled up and flash your merchandise when you arrive, so they know it won’t be easy to have a go. Stanley knives, screwdrivers, claw hammers, you can buy them in any hardware store.

Richard, Cranfield, so we should be more prepared for Luton aggro and well armed to deal with any out of hand nonsense?

KEN: yes.

Read Full Post »

Welcome to Dear Ken, an agony uncle for those in need of advice.

Dear Ken, thank you for your advice column for troubled chess players. If I may ask for your help with a current issue please.

At our club there’s this guy who comes and always wears the same clothes. And I swear he never takes a bath because the smell he has is shocking. No one likes him and no one talks to him. I don’t talk to him but I don’t dislike him, I just want to keep my distance.

Last week he caused real trouble. We were away to The Bedford Massive, and one of their players went to his car during the match and got a baseball bat. He then came in, went up to the guy who doesn’t wash and smacked him round the head with it during his game! Things got ugly, they weren’t happy. They got some proppa gangsters in that outfit and some hardened criminals. They said next time they are bringing shooters, and they meant it. I don’t want anymore trouble. What should I do?

KEN: ah well, best thing you can do is take shooters yourself, then you could have a good one gun fight during your next match with the Bedford Massive, liven the match up a bit. Simple.

So Ken, your saying I should carry shooters on match nights?

KEN: Yes.

Read Full Post »

I lie here in the dark. I played chess at 2am and won. I am detached from everything around me. I didn’t go to bed last night. I didn’t eat yesterday, I just lie here looking to connect somehow. I’ll admit loneliness has haunted me my whole life but this is just something else. I am in our hotel by the seaside. In the next bed my daughter sleeps with her mum, and there’s me, winning at 2am in this dark, quiet, well air-conditioned room with no one to talk to, and no energy to do anything else. I’m in my 50s now…why is everything in life too easy. I love myself. I love chess. Darkness engulfs, I should try to sleep. I have medication for that. Let’s see if I can swallow my alprazolam then sleep some….what else is there to do?

As you can see, I came under sustained attack. (Click below)

Mark. J. McCready

Room 7096, Intown Holiday Hotel

PattayaSaisong 11


Read Full Post »

For four thousand pounds: which former Soviet republic has not produced a world champion?

A. Armenia
B. Azerbaijan
C. Estonia
D. Latvia

Read Full Post »

This is how you play chess. Just simple small moves that get smaller and smaller….drought makes the workers dream…

Mark. J. McCready

Tung Song Hong, Laksi, Bangkok

1.50pm July 8th.

Read Full Post »

My meme 9

Read Full Post »

‘The term ‘en passant’ means what in chess?

ANSWER A in passing

ANSWER B Bastard Bitch

ANSWER C Bloody fuck bitch

ANSWER D Fuck you bloody

(Inspiration for the answers lies below. Try to watch and not laugh!)

Read Full Post »

‘Who was the first official world chess champion?

ANSWER A Jocky Wilson

ANSWER B Nigel Mansell

ANSWER C Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins

ANSWER D Willhelm Steinitz

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »