McCreadyandChess

Dear Ken, the online agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Mark, Luton, Dear Ken, some words of wisedom from you please and I mean now not in the next column or next week -I mean now. Your words of wisedom now please. Last week, we were on our way to a match and the driver stopped at some fucking shrine – type thing. So I got out the car and had a gander and I could hear these whispering spirits, they were like voices in the sky and kept giving me numbers. I didn’t know what it was at first but they kept whispering more of them to me and they were all between 1-49 so I knew they were lottery numbers. Anyway when Humuyan came back we drove off. We stopped at a newsagent and I put the lottery on using the numbers the spirits gave me but when I checked it later, the bastards had given me all the wrong numbers. I was outraged. So later that night, after the match, I went out and got pissed up down the pub and then I went back to the scene of the crime and smashed up that shrine good and proper cos I got stitched up there didn’t I? Then the next morning we had another match but when we got in the playing venue, I was still massively hung over. As soon as I saw players from the other team I got stuck in with knuckle dusters on and attacked the bastards. Not one or two but all 16, all at once and got fucking battered to fuck. I can hardly see now. Jaw’s busted. Ribs broken. Teeth knocked out. Lacerations across my chest. Broken leg. What should I do now?

Ken: eh, so you got stitched up over the lottery, smashed up some shrine and now attack anyone who plays for a different team? Fuck me. I don’t know what to say. Are you winding me up?

Mark, Luton I’m not and I’m gonna smash that shrine up again, those bastards from the spirit world lost me money. I listen out for them all the time now, day and night. I’m gonna attack any bastard I see now unless I win that lottery. Let me recover first cos I’m well fucked but then it’s all out war. All 16 at once, yeah come on then. Wrong fucking lottery numbers. It’s a bastard to win with those demons putting numbers into me head for it all the time. They were at it last night as well, and it was the wrong numbers again. All that money gone and nothing from it because of those demons stitched me up and gave me different numbers to the ones called. I’ll fight anyone now if I could. I’ll kill anyone. I’ll kill any chess player I see, you watch. You just watch what I’m like when I am up and walking again. They robbed me they did. That Humuyan is to blame as well. Set me up he did and they robbed me of me money the bastards. Gave me the wrong numbers they did. I’ll get them, you watch, I’ll get them. I’m listening out for their hiding place all the time now. I bet it’s near where I get my whiskey from.

Ken: well Mark, it seems to me you are a right nutter and should be locked up my son. Stop smashing things up and attacking everyone or you’ll end up in prison.