Archive for the ‘Dear Ken’ Category

Dear Ken 16

Dear Ken -your online agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Kevin, Leighton Buzzard: Dear Ken, help us out here please. When our team goes to Luton for league matches we run into so much trouble with it. As soon as we arrive and get out of the car, one of their players throws bricks at us. Then during the match, he walks into the centre of the room and pisses over the floor, just to annoy us. He burps loudly a lot and whistles too. The last time we went, he followed us out into the car park after the match but one of our players headbutted him, knocking him to the floor, then all us kicked him in the head and face as much as we could. He just lay there and couldn’t move, so we went home. But now he comes to the club with a pitbull terrier and struts his stuff with a cricket bat, looking menacing all the time. What should we do?

Ken: well firstly it’s important that you kill that dog in front of him. Do it during when it’s his turn to move. Then bottle him when he’s not looking, kick him in the bollocks, then stomp on his head when he’s on the floor. Make the bastard bleed lots.

Kevin, Leighton Buzzard: Isn’t there a more gentlemanly way to resolve the issue -all we want to do is play chess.

Ken: How the fuck do I know you black bastard, well assuming you are black, you certainly sound like it. I want all this filmed and sent on -alright! Hospitalize the bastard and kill that dog. Film it and send it on yeah?

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Dear Ken 15

Dear Ken, your online agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Luke, Luton. Hello Ken, I was wondering if you could offer any words of wisdom over something that keeps happening at my club. I play for the B team and we have another player whose usually pretty quiet and keeps himself to himself but recently he’s changed and we don’t really know what’s going on. First he changed his coat. Now he has a black trench coat and he wears that to the club every week. His behaviour got so strange. When he plays, he now puts a flick knife, knuckle duster, death star, taser, and a kosh on the table. Then he does this chant in some other language. It’s got weird and then last week he brought a sword in and tried to use it on his opponent. There was pandemonium. We had to stop the match to calm everyone down. He does this loud cackle as well, and that’s not well liked either. We are not sure what’s happened to him, can you help?

Dear Ken: well it sounds like he has gone all militaristic and with good reason. Chess players are nothing but trouble and would want to use a sword on one too. It might just all blow over.

Luke Luton, yeah but he’s been seen fighting in the town and he brought in a book about terrorism last week. We don’t really like an array of weapons at the matches. There’s no need.

Dear Ken: most likely it will all blow over.

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Dear Ken, your on line agony uncle for troubled chess players.

John, Leighton Buzzard Dear Ken, I am the president of my club and recently members are pressuring me to ban a member. I also want to ban him but I don’t know what to say to him. He comes into the chess club walking very slowly and with a white bishop in his mouth and a big grin. He brings his dogs too and forces them to watch him play. The problem is that he isn’t very good at chess and always loses but when that happens his dogs start growling at you and on one occasion they attacked his opponent and wouldn’t let go, just before he was about to deliver checkmate also! Now I don’t know how good his dogs are but they seem to be able to follow the game because if he blunders, they bark at him and tug on his clothes! What should I say to him? You can come but don’t bring those dogs? They are big dogs as well, and this makes many in the club uneasy as they should be playing fetch the stick and not chess.

Ken: Well if his dogs can play, why not put them in the team and make up the numbers? But give them some treats and tell them to stop growling during the game, and not to bark also, that should do it.

John Leighton Buzzard: but when they get excited they start wagging their tale and running about. It puts people off, me included. They never stay at the table, and like to chew their opponent’s shoes also! What should I do?

Ken: well you could put a muzzle on them and tell them to be good boys. Put them in the team and see how they get on, probably they will play paw-to-king-four!

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Den Ken 13

Dear Ken, your on line agony uncle.

Paul, Harpenden

Dear Ken, thank you for reading my letter and taking the time to respond. Last week I played in a match in the Herts. league and during the game I tried to kill myself. I blundered in the opening, losing my queen’s knight. It was such a massive shock to the system, so I just sat there not thinking about the game. I got up, walked out of the club and stood in the middle of the road, waiting for someone to run me over and kill me but no cars or vans came, so I had to go back inside. But I couldn’t go back to my game because I was so ashamed of myself, so I just went to the bar, ordered a pint then glassed someone standing there. Blood everywhere there was. Massive punch up too and I won it, so now I am not sure what to do if I blunder again. Should I kill myself or just attack people instead?

Ken: it’s a messy league that you are in. By the sounds of it you’d be better off in the Beds. league. That’s got a much higher suicide rate than the Herts league, and the players are harder as well, so if you want to glass someone, you will need more practice to win any afters that go on there I can tell you. I suggest you learn how to box if you want to make a name for yourself in that league.

Paul, Hardenden, so what you are saying is I sound more suited to the Beds league than the Herts. league and should play there instead but take up boxing post haste if I do? Basically I should step in the ring before I step into the league clubs there?

Ken: yes, that’s about it. Don’t forget your gumshield on match nights.

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Dear Ken 12

Dear Ken, the online agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Mark, Luton, Dear Ken, some words of wisedom from you please and I mean now not in the next column or next week -I mean now. Your words of wisedom now please. Last week, we were on our way to a match and the driver stopped at some fucking shrine – type thing. So I got out the car and had a gander and I could hear these whispering spirits, they were like voices in the sky and kept giving me numbers. I didn’t know what it was at first but they kept whispering more of them to me and they were all between 1-49 so I knew they were lottery numbers. Anyway when Humuyan came back we drove off. We stopped at a newsagent and I put the lottery on using the numbers the spirits gave me but when I checked it later, the bastards had given me all the wrong numbers. I was outraged. So later that night, after the match, I went out and got pissed up down the pub and then I went back to the scene of the crime and smashed up that shrine good and proper cos I got stitched up there didn’t I? Then the next morning we had another match but when we got in the playing venue, I was still massively hung over. As soon as I saw players from the other team I got stuck in with knuckle dusters on and attacked the bastards. Not one or two but all 16, all at once and got fucking battered to fuck. I can hardly see now. Jaw’s busted. Ribs broken. Teeth knocked out. Lacerations across my chest. Broken leg. What should I do now?

Ken: eh, so you got stitched up over the lottery, smashed up some shrine and now attack anyone who plays for a different team? Fuck me. I don’t know what to say. Are you winding me up?

Mark, Luton I’m not and I’m gonna smash that shrine up again, those bastards from the spirit world lost me money. I listen out for them all the time now, day and night. I’m gonna attack any bastard I see now unless I win that lottery. Let me recover first cos I’m well fucked but then it’s all out war. All 16 at once, yeah come on then. Wrong fucking lottery numbers. It’s a bastard to win with those demons putting numbers into me head for it all the time. They were at it last night as well, and it was the wrong numbers again. All that money gone and nothing from it because of those demons stitched me up and gave me different numbers to the ones called. I’ll fight anyone now if I could. I’ll kill anyone. I’ll kill any chess player I see, you watch. You just watch what I’m like when I am up and walking again. They robbed me they did. That Humuyan is to blame as well. Set me up he did and they robbed me of me money the bastards. Gave me the wrong numbers they did. I’ll get them, you watch, I’ll get them. I’m listening out for their hiding place all the time now. I bet it’s near where I get my whiskey from.

Ken: well Mark, it seems to me you are a right nutter and should be locked up my son. Stop smashing things up and attacking everyone or you’ll end up in prison.

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Dear Ken 11

Dear Ken, the agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Tom, Cranfield, oh dear Ken do help advise me on what to do, I am so torn between staying or leaving my present club I’ve reached breaking point. We meet every Thursday, and you can bet your bottom dollar at some point in the evening there will be a massive punch up. I’m not a violent man and I don’t like to see it…please help! I want to leave my club and join another but they are all so far away and I don’t have any transport. At my club many players take advantage of the ‘J’ doube’ rule and constantly do it to annoy each other. Every single move you get it, and many players adjust their opponents pieces too, and deliberately misplace them to get their opponent fired up. It’s become such an annoyance that now we get massive punch ups with members bundling in even if it’s not their game. Tables get broken, fists go flying, chairs thrown about, chess sets smashed up, how many pints of lager sent everywhere I don’t know. One of my friends says in the Beds. league this happens at all clubs and it’s quite normal because they are all heavy drinkers, how do I change club and county?

Ken, stop being a softy and dive on in there. Everyone loves bundles, what’s the problem? To stay in that league you are going to have to harden up.

Tom, Cranfield, but Ken this is just not chess, this is warfare. I want to improve as a player and not a fighter!

Ken, chess is a game of war, think of it like that. Now get boozing, get stuck in and get us some pics and videos.

A bored at night MJM (this normally means Mark thinks he is funny. But let’s be honest, where else can you find an agony uncle in chess? Top marks for originality, especially since Ken is portrayed as…not the best.)

0156, Laksi BKK (in a darkened room)

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Dear Ken 10

Welcome to Dear Ken, the online agony uncle for troubled chess players

Steve, Bedford Dear Ken, gimme your advice and fast. Me rating’s always been 200-215 never any lower. I dunno what’s happened because I didn’t have a bad season but now its only 182. I’m no good to anyone. I 8 myself and wan2 die. There’s nufink worth living for now. I’m gonna top meself and finish it all off like I shoulda bfore.

Dear Ken: So, erm, you want to do yourself in because of your drop in rating points? You’ve come to the right person Steve. In all honesty there is nothing worth living for and you should top yourself. If you want I can help you with it, as it’s not easily done and requires balls, big balls!

Steve, Bedford I 8 myself and wan2 die. I’m no good to anyone. I’m nufink now. Gonna do it.

Dear Ken, I can help you set up a rope you can use or I could push you off a car park in London. I have a gun at home also if you prefer it that way.

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Dear Ken 9

Welcome to Dear Ken, the agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Patrice, St.Albans Hello Ken and please give off some advices. At our club we ‘ave a pair of brothers both retired, they are rated around 110. They are both very nice old gentlemen but one of them has a bad ‘abit. ‘e loves taking his moves back and making new ones. It doesn’t matter if you are at the board or not, he still does it. What should I do?

Ken: the bastard, trying to pull a fast one all the time. Just tell him the next time he does it you are going to follow him into the bogs and rape him. Don’t do that obviously but tell him you will, that should sort him out.

Patrice, St.Albans, you know Ken, sometimes I have my doubts over you.

Ken: you fucking bastard, who do you think you are to call me out. I’ll fucking come round your club and rape you ya bastard!

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Dear Ken 8

Ken -the online agony uncle for troubled chess players.

Gary, Cranfield Hello Ken and please offer advice over the following issue. Two week’s ago we had a match in Luton and some things happened that could have been avoided. To start, a younger member, say 18, brought his electric guitar down and started blasting out 70s heavy metal when people were actually playing and trying to concentrate. This did not go down with one member and so him and the guitar player went out into the snow and had a fight. After rolling around for a bit and exchanging a few blows, they came back in and things were much quieter but the mood in the club was very low and I thought the fight would start up again. Luton is so working class and I imagine the same sort of thing goes on everywhere there but we weren’t expecting it at the chess club. What should we do to prepare for matches away to Luton with its bad live music in the club?

Ken: oh Luton eh? Rough place. Now listen, most likely they will have a few nutters at their chess club, if this is Luton we are talking about. How disturbed they are I don’t know but probably quite a lot. I suggest you wear sunglasses inside and put earplugs in. You’re not in the most gentlemanly part of Bedfordshire I can tell you.

Gary: yes but why must we tolerate such behaviour?

Ken: put simply, it’s Luton -get used to it. They need to fight in that town so let them get on with it. In time you will come to see much worse. You may want to bring your own instruments down and have a jamming session -take some boxing gloves if you do!

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Dear Ken 7

Dear Ken, the agony uncle for chess players in need of advice.

Adrian, Milton Keynes Hello there Ken and thank you for granting me the choice to air my concerns. We have one concerning a player from another club. Thankfully it only ever happens around bonfire night but frankly -that’s more than enough. Our A,B, C & D teams are in the same division as the teams from Luton. When we go there, something keeps happening which is rather irksome to say the least. They’ve got this McCready fellow. He seems like a nice enough bloke but he’s not very good at chess tbh. Well on match night’s he likes to get up out of his seat and leave the playing hall with his bag in the middle of the match. Then about two minutes later we get all these fireworks going off behind us, especially Air bombs. What he is doing is letting fireworks off to put us off our game, and he does it all the time whilst they are on sale in the shops around bonfire night. How should we proceed here. He’s the captain of his team, so we are hampered regarding what we can achieve here.

KEN: Now this McCready fellow, let me tell you, he thinks he’s some sort of comedian but he’s not, he’s a bloody annoying little shit most of the time but he will say that’s rubbish and that he is funny and good at making people laugh. I’m afraid you’ll just have to put up with it until he stops thinking what he is doing is funny…whenever that will be. Unfortunately he does have a rather warped sense of humour, mostly from reading that Viz for years on end.

Adrian, Milton Keynes, well we could try to get him to own up I suppose?

KEN: I wouldn’t bother. He will say it isn’t him and carry on until he thinks its not funny anymore, that’s him and I should know. Or failing that when he runs out of money. He’s a lazy bastard and doesn’t work, so shouldn’t be too long. You could try telling him to grow up but it won’t work, trust me. All you can do is wait for him to wake up but I wouldn’t hold your breathe there.

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