Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Was it a dream?

Early this morning I was drifting off and suddenly had images of chess clubs deep in the Soviet Union where players sit around tables. Then in bursts a bear and mauls a 1.d4 player. It got me thinking.

In modern day Russia, there must be clubs in the countryside where players are mauled by bears more than others but which one is the worst? Is it just 1.d4 players they go for, are they more likely to maul someone playing with the black or white pieces.

Bears aside, I wonder which animal attacks chess players the most and if there are any famous incidents regarding them.

My money is on dogs being the worst but they are not mentioned in the FIDE rule book, so I don’t know. Do you get extra minutes on clock if you are attacked by an animal during a competitive game…what about insects? Is there a definitive guide listing the animal or insect and the time increments granted for these unwarranted attacks.

FIDE makes chess players feel unsafe. There is no code of conduct regarding creature habits and fending them off. Something should be done about this. For example:

Wasp 25 second increment

Vulture 30 second increment

Sealion 35 second increment

Leopard 2 minute increment

Hippo 5 minute increment

Something like that to get the ball rolling, what do you think? Should I contact FIDE about this? I might not get a reply. It’s just a thought and maybe it was just a dream after all. To some this is all just fantasy, to me it’s humour. No matter what, it’s my life.

Mark. J. McCready

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More work needed methinks.

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Well here we have someone who went and won the lottery. He got the right numbers and got rich out of it but then got himself killed after celebrating.

I think we should avoid the lottery and stick to chess. You are less likely to get killed in chess or go on the rampage either.

Stick with chess, that’s my advice. Avoid lotteries, they can’t help your chess and could affect your opening repertoire…possibly?

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I feel I should post this even though it’s not quite chess related. We can learn from this and apply it to our chess I think.

So, imagine you are at a shrine, and there spirits from the after world contact you. They give you lottery numbers, and so off you go investing time and money on the lottery. But those spirits went and gave you the wrong numbers and made you lose. What would you do then? Would you just forget about it or would you return to the shrine and smash it up? The spirits there gave you the wrong lottery numbers, and so to get revenge, you should smash their shrine up right? Well one guy did and you can read about it here:

This story is very important for our chess development even though playing the lottery is a lot different to playing chess. If we are playing chess and are contacted by spirits, should we trust them and listen to them? They might stitch us up and get us to play bad moves? Okay, its highly unlikely this has ever happened in chess but that shouldn’t stop us from coming up with a plan. If we blunder during a game, should we go and smash a shrine up then? When should we start or stop smashing things up? I think this guy in the story could have been a Grand Master. His logic and calculation skills are right up there.

And so to end, the moral of the story is, to develop further as a chess player we should develop a sixth sense on when it’s okay, or not okay, to smash up a shrine. This is a very important chess skill.

Mark. J. McCready (thinking he is funny again)

11.38 am on Monday August first,

Laksi, BKK

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Chess in the heatwave

Back in blighty I believe the temperature has soared to 40 C, and we only just had the annual ChessFest in Trafalgar Square.

Playing chess in that heat phroar, well how do you do it? The trick is get yourself a few GM norms and become a Grandmaster as quickly as possible, that way when you play you’ll have lots of fans by the board!

(Now you have to admit, even by my standards, that is a cracking joke is it not?)

Trafalgar Square ChessFest
Fans for hot weather GM chess. King and Queen are on the wrong squares but nevermind. Unsuspecting GM’s might not notice.

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Read Rowson Right

It’s uncommon for a Grandmaster to also be well educated, having a Ph.D. but Rowson does and he writes well too. He’s well worth a read and if you do happen to read his chess for zebras he will persuade you that just like everything else in life, moves made in chess are open to interpretation but he then qualifies this by stating that to be true at both ends of the ability spectrum. But you do need to read him ‘lento’ as the content is often dense and requires reflection. Computers believe in numbers but that’s a separate argument as they think very much more straightforwardly than us.

Apologies for sliding into ‘myth busting’ mode but one of the attributes given to chess players is that we have a good memory (courtesy of opening theory) but it just isn’t true. Do you know which game does require a good memory, one if fact so vastly superior to chess they are incomparable, well do you? If not then I shall tell you -it’s Scrabble!

Final ‘myth buster‘, it’s not true that all chess players are like myself, incredibly handsome with a stunning physique, tanned with a six-pack and wearing sunglasses, full of charm and charisma too…oh Mark really!! Maybe you should go to bed! That’s not remotely funny and working out why you think it is…erm no thanks, just drop the attempts at humour before you embarrass yourself further and get to bed pronto…of all the deplorable things to come out with! Really you should be quite ashamed of yourself because you really aren’t funny -ya know!

Rowson’s most recent publication. He rewrote it 10 times and it’s a little uneven in tone but worth a read nonetheless. Rather inspirational too it must be said.

Mark. J. M

1.35 am, a dark room somewhere…

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Greetings, now in the last post I got side-tracked towards the end and started talking about something I technically haven’t been conclusively diagnosed with…well I was once but that diagnosis was superseded and that is how it stays…oh chess, yes erm, how’s your chess going these days?

Chess, yes chess…are you getting any better or does it matter? Pleasure ranks over and above improvement right? So yes, how is your chess these days?

For asking that you might think I am a bit of a loony but I want to make it very clear, all these conditions that keep cropping up in recent posts I don’t have. Don’t ask me why they appear as they can only come from me but whether its playfulness, boredom or self-hate, I can’t be sure of. Anyway, to confirm, we have another post which has been knocked off course by bogus diagnoses…ah well.

The main problem is I think I’m funny, and yes I do have some hours to kill. But this isn’t funny and I just sound like I am bored or downright lonely with no one else to talk to.

Ah yes chess, how is your chess these days? Tell me the answer to this NEW ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire CHESS SPECIAL’

New £64,000 question:


‘Right ya fuckin cunt, ya fuckin bastard, that Kasparov geezer, when he played 1. e4, did he always put leg spin on his King’s knight in the opening?

ANSWER A Sometimes he played a googly when handling the King’s Knight.

ANSWER B He never delivered a wrong ‘un with his King’s knight in 1. e4 openings.

ANSWER C He liked a slower delivery and disguised them well, on one occasion it took him 31 minutes to move his knight from g1 to f3.

ANSWER D Many deliveries were yorkers and barely stayed within the square they landed on which was nearly always f3 or e2.

SPECIAL OPTION ANSWER E What’s all this cricketing stuff got to do with Kasparov…ah I get it, he thinks he’s funny!

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Greetings online junkies.

I post because I can. I do because I want. I want to put my Masters Degree to good use here and reflect upon the world championship match ahead, now that the candidates tournament is over and the winner declared.

Here we go with the MA in full swing -ready? Now I think the next match will be decisive and the winner will be either Magnus or Nepo. And not anyone else. And most likely it will be Magnus as the last match was won convincingly.

There you have it -an educated chess player hard at work. In being that I stand out somewhat, and uncomfortably so as academics aside societal norms usually swerve away from formal education and chess players aren’t so different. Although if you went on any chess forum, you wouldn’t just wonder about the levels of brain power in play but more likely be less than impressed at the overall IQ level and knowledgeability, as you scroll on through with one eyebrow raised.

More seriously, does Nepo have a score to settle and/or a point to prove? Perhaps yes but the question of why he altered his style for the last world championship match remains unanswered. It may have been the sense of occasion was overwhelming and knocked him off centre, as well as the commiseration that outplaying Magnus in a match can only be done if Magnus somehow goes wrong himself and implodes otherwise, it just isn’t going to happen…but whether it was the sense of occasion or not, the importance of style, the integrity it brings, the identity-conferring moments it chains together, little was said why Nepo went from a renowned attacking player to something akin to a rabbit caught in the headlights. And what was he hoping to achieve with all those Petrovs when he was already behind in the match? Even Magnus showed surprise, and plenty of it.

And so I fear I may begin to ramble. To conclude the modern game is rich and enchanting, and the coverage chess receives now is more extensive and professional, so all in all, we have much to look forwards to…c’mon Magnus (not that he needs my encouragement).

So there we are goodbye. I just wanted to wheel out the old MA and fire up the engines for a few moments where words are typed off the top of my head. It’s made me look clever once more, perhaps even distinguished: that belief that either Magnus or Nepo will win the match. Hats off to the MA for a finishing touch of class (and before you ask, no I am NOT drunk, and I haven’t been smoking anything (heavily asthmatic so can’t), and no I am NOT on something either…well actually I AM on medication but that’s NOT really the same thing, since that’s just to stop me slipping back towards schizophrenia, which tends to happen if I come off it, however, since I am advised to remain on Amisulpride for life, the sch word is very manageable, remaining something I am healthily mindful of, anyway, now I am rambling…like you wanted to know about schizophrenia, especially when I don’t even have it…it’s just that I have a physiological condition which has symptoms that overlap with those of schizophrenia, so they give me the medication for it to help with the situation…and the moral of the story is, don’t try and put 20kms on your bicycle in the dark when pissed up and tranqued up and intent on going like the clappers)

You’ve probably had enough of me here, so goodbye.

So there you are. It was goodbye from him, and me too (and me) and goodbye to playing around with anachronistic, silly, stereo-typical perceptions of what schizophrenia is. There is only one me, and it’s goodbye. Farewell and don’t you dare ask me if I was bored when I wrote this because I would have to lie, and the lie would take many hours to formulate…well probably.

And in the next post I shall veer towards another condition I do not have.

Yikes, I know these well!

Mark. J. McCready

Tung Song Hong, Laksi, Bangkok

0748am June 8th (8 hours before we take a trip to the seaside once again)

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Clocking it up

In each of the last two years I have played over 1000 games on line. Naturally I played brilliantly throughout, except for when I was absolute rubbish or just downright diabolical. The moral of the story is ‘stay online, play online, lose online, go offline’.

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The Simpsons

Chess in The Simpsons.

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