Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

How do we live out our day-to-day lives without incident? How do we keep ourselves clean and free from distraction or disaster? It takes some practice doesn’t it? And a constant need to rework things I would say. Minor slip ups in life are difficult to dodge, we all fall foul to them from time to time even though we tend to keep an eye out -this is life. Have you ever stepped in something you shouldn’t have? Most probably we all have at one time or another in our lives.

For further food for thought, take a look below at the picture of my good old self. What am I doing in this picture? It could be that I am bending over and having a good hard shit or I could just be happy to be home? A train platform is especially good for accidental backside droppings because many people use them and they are often in a hurry, which means they could skid in your shit. Now wouldn’t that be a delight to watch? Regarding the picture I have attached, I don’t think I was having a shit but I wouldn’t rule it out as I can’t remember everything I’ve done and it is true that I love for put down deliveries for unsuspecting others. What I would like you to do is look at this picture, decide what you think is going on and use that to improve your chess in some way. Above all else think: street, think: step, think: shit, think: chess.

What am I up to here?

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After the popularity of the last post, which had a cracking title and a definite contender for winner of the 2022 award for most hair-raising title for a chess post. Many have written in asking me to add more posts where titled chess players accidentally step in someone’s shit. In an ideal world we would just love to watch someone step in our own accidental shit releases everyday and capture it on video for family viewing on special occasions like Easter and Christmas. Not all of us have had the luxury of watching such videos as we grow up, and so to offset that I shall listen to the requests and rustle up another post. I may even interview some titled players and ask them if they ever trod in shit whilst playing chess and how it affected their game, sitting at the table and playing on with shit all over their shoes. I will report back any findings. And may I tell you from personal experience, if you get the chance to watch someone step in your shit, it’s much better if a woman does that believe me -they go all mad!

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British humour

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The Q

Question for the day: ‘If you zoom around in fast cars across the city, could this help improve your rating?’

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At times, my mind is so active I can’t switch the thing off.

So get this: it’s not going to happen but the thought I find amusing.

Posting a suicide note on this blog.

It makes sense on a lot of levels but it just isn’t going to happen.

Now can I go back to thinking more normal things please.

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Should I continue on with this blog, I will introduce mental challenges with prizes to be won for the lucky person. The top prize is going to be a car and most likely that will be a tough challenge like solve mate in 1 but a real tough mate in one. The sort where someone with a FIDE rating of 1200 needs half a minute on the clock to find it and someone with a FIDE rating of 2200 needs an hour easily. I will have other prizes, like packets of crisps, pen sets, cheese grater, ironing board, ant killer, and even a chocolate fireguard. I should add that if your rating is over 2800, you can’t play.

More details to follow

Mark, you could be onto a nice little earner here. Just charge people one pound to enter and pocket the profit

Take their money and destroy your website in the process. Never look back.

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Project abandoned

I am sorry to say that I cannot continue any longer with the pinball-chess project. It was working brilliantly and some serious money was going to be pumped into it by investors but there’s a problem which can’t be solved. Everyone knows that pinball and chess are virtually identical, as we’ve said but in pinball you try to get a high score

No matter how hard I tried, this I can’t work with because in chess we win by checkmate and can’t get any high scores. I’ve come as far as I can go. The solution is to keep ramps and flashing lights with extra ball, and the exciting multi-ball option but without a high score in play. You can’t put high scores in chess no matter how hard you try. So that’s it. I am done with this project: it was good while it lasted. I know we all want multi-ball in chess, that’s obvious but I can go no further.

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Was it a dream?

Early this morning I was drifting off and suddenly had images of chess clubs deep in the Soviet Union where players sit around tables. Then in bursts a bear and mauls a 1. d4 player. It got me thinking.

In modern day Russia, there must be clubs in the countryside where players are mauled by bears more than others but which one is the worst? Is it just 1. d4 players they go for, are they more likely to maul someone playing with the black or white pieces.

Bears aside, which animal attacks chess players the most? Are any famous incidents regarding them?

My money is on dogs being the worst but they are not mentioned in the FIDE rule book, so I don’t know. Do you get extra minutes on clock if you are attacked by an animal during a competitive game…what about insects? Is there a definitive guide listing the animal or insect and the time increments granted for these unwarranted attacks.

FIDE makes chess players feel unsafe. There is no code of conduct regarding creature habits and fending them off. Something should be done about this. For example:

Wasp 25 second increment

Vulture 30 second increment

Sealion 35 second increment

Leopard 2 minute increment

Hippo 5 minute increment

Something like that to get the ball rolling, what do you think? Should I contact FIDE about this? I might not get a reply. It’s just a thought and maybe it was just a dream after all. To some this is all just fantasy, to me it’s humour. No matter what, it’s my life.

Mark. J. McCready

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More work needed methinks.

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Well here we have someone who went and won the lottery. He got the right numbers and got rich out of it but then got himself killed after celebrating.

I think we should avoid the lottery and stick to chess. You are less likely to get killed in chess or go on the rampage either.

Stick with chess, that’s my advice. Avoid lotteries, they can’t help your chess and could affect your opening repertoire…possibly?

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