Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category

There will almost certainly be a delay to today’s play at the Olympiad. There’s been an incident involving the Chief Arbiter in the playing hall lavatory. He mistakenly used Walmart toilet cleaning wipes instead of loo paper and has burnt his bum, he’s gone off to hospital to have it inspected.

They are not sure how long it’s going to take but it is not expected for him to return to his duties for today’s play. A deputy is being sought.


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Today’s play is facing a delay. In the city of Chennai, an escaped giant tortoise has been seen entering the playing hall. Big operation there. Once they’ve caught up with it, however long that takes, how are they gonna lift it out of there? Could be a tough one this.

They once had an escaped parrot in the Soviet Championships but I’m guessing the olympiad guys would opt for a giant tortoise over a parrot if it were put to the vote, so maybe the arbiters will just leave it be, unworried about concentration levels being disturbed by squawking, and blunders being made because of it. If we did have an escaped parrot this time, or any other noisy bird disturbing games and making players lose what we most likely will get is, if they couldn’t catch it, Grand masters going on the rampage and trying to burn the place down to get rid of it. And we don’t want a scenario where Grand masters are colluding and committing arson, aided and abetted by IM’s and FM’s in the middle of an event -that’s just unacceptable, so since tortoises are quiet and move slowly, they are easily managed and the arbiters will probably just leave it be, well that’s my take on it.

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I must admit, I am quite good at entertaining myself and would like to add a video on bird wrestling (where two birds wrestle with each other) because I think I am onto something here. If you asked most people what extra things should a chess site include, most would opt for Bird Wrestling for entertainment, and I’ve got a great video where one bird gets stomped on and get’s a claw in the head! It’s a beaut and only one minute long. I could start advertising it and monetise my site. Maybe set up a donations channel where I hunt down similar videos with different types of birds wrestling each other. I could be onto a winner here and may rename my website McCreadyandchessandbirdwrestling

With top notch videos loaded in, there’s big money to be made here I think. The whole thing is just waiting to take off with investment. I could have 5 million in the bank within 3 months…maybe 10 million, who knows?

Serious action here.

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You are on an old bus lost somehow somewhere in the countryside. You are not thinking about your destination, more so what you see passing by in the windows. The sky is grey, you feel a little sleepy. Suddenly the bus swerves then brakes hard. You turn around to see what’s happened and catch a glimpse of a shrine that passes by. Your head begins filling with chess moves and chess games from yesteryear. Moves from games gone by repeat over and over. The bus stops to allow a beautiful girl to get on. Religious enlightenment doesn’t occur, just more moves repeat themselves. Do you stay on the bus or jump off it, risking certain death?

You stay on the bus and nothing else happens. The girl got off, you arrived at your destination and your head is no longer full of moves and games from yesteryear. But your trousers have got a hole in them? How did it happen on a bus? They are torn, the sky is still grey.

What happens of that day is not worth writing about. You passed a shrine and nothing much really happened. Alone, you walk on home. No one will talk to me because no one is there. Alone I got ready for bed. Then I sat wondering if I would spend my entire life feeling alone. And then went to bed.

Well done for not doing anything. That means nothing but nothing is good. Nothing got smashed up. Nothing.

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Let’s say you are playing for the county. It’s a Saturday morning and you are in Newmarket, Turner Hall. You are in the middle game and putting up a good fight on the board. Would you get up from your chair whilst your opponent is thinking, walk out of the hall, to a newsagent and put a lottery ticket on in the middle of the game? How would you chose the numbers or have they been communicated to you already?

Would you do that in a county game? I wouldn’t. I’d lose concentration on my game and get done over. No malarkey for county matches. That’s pure chess. No lottery tickets, just chess and only chess. And anyway that town is famous for horse racing, a lot of those lanes are used as bridle paths and stink the place up with horseshit. I don’t want that on my shoes when I am trying to concentrate over the board and win for my team! Fuck that lottery bollocks, some other day maybe. End up with a horseshit sandwich otherwise…ah fuck that bollocks. No lottery and that’s final.

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If you were playing competitive chess and then in the opening you are contacted by spirits, they tell you about your game and expected moves but everything they say is false and doesn’t happen, would you smash the clock up if it carried on? A professional player would smash that clock up but an amateur might just get up and walk around. If it were me and I was being told of moves that never happen again and again, I’d smash the clock up yes. Yes I would because they might go away then. But I would have to go to the bar first and get lagered up real fast, then you could really smash that clock up.

Tune in again for more professional advice.

MJM 2.47am

August 2nd.

A dark room in the capital

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Well here we have someone who went and won the lottery. He got the right numbers and got rich out of it but then got himself killed after celebrating.

I think we should avoid the lottery and stick to chess. You are less likely to get killed in chess or go on the rampage either.

Stick with chess, that’s my advice. Avoid lotteries, they can’t help your chess and could affect your opening repertoire…possibly?

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I feel I should post this even though it’s not quite chess related. We can learn from this and apply it to our chess I think.

So, imagine you are at a shrine, and there spirits from the after world contact you. They give you lottery numbers, and so off you go investing time and money on the lottery. But those spirits went and gave you the wrong numbers and made you lose. What would you do then? Would you just forget about it or would you return to the shrine and smash it up? The spirits there gave you the wrong lottery numbers, and so to get revenge, you should smash their shrine up right? Well one guy did and you can read about it here:

This story is very important for our chess development even though playing the lottery is a lot different to playing chess. If we are playing chess and are contacted by spirits, should we trust them and listen to them? They might stitch us up and get us to play bad moves? Okay, its highly unlikely this has ever happened in chess but that shouldn’t stop us from coming up with a plan. If we blunder during a game, should we go and smash a shrine up then? When should we start or stop smashing things up? I think this guy in the story could have been a Grand Master. His logic and calculation skills are right up there.

And so to end, the moral of the story is, to develop further as a chess player we should develop a sixth sense on when it’s okay, or not okay, to smash up a shrine. This is a very important chess skill.

Mark. J. McCready (thinking he is funny again)

11.38 am on Monday August first,

Laksi, BKK

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Dear Ken, the agony uncle to write to if you need advice.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard Hello Ken and thanks for having me on. Ken we’ve got a situation with one of the D team players. We think we know what it is but are unsure of what to do about it.

One of the D team players keeps getting up from the board, going into the car park, meeting someone in a car, handing them small plastic bags of something and collecting money. He does this about 20 times each match but it only takes him a minute or two, so he doesn’t get into time trouble but his behaviour is so suspicious. We think he’s selling drugs during the match but we can’t prove it. What do we say to him and what do we do if he is?

KEN: oh yes, so he’s making a bit on the side by palming of some pharmaceuticals to a few go-likelies. Well, clearly you should go out to the car park when he does and buy some off him too. Might make you enjoy your game a bit more, and if he’s selling uppers it might improve your game a lot, as you can calculate much faster on that stuff -trust me I know from experience.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard, you are saying we should be going on the drugs on match nights?

KEN: yeah why not?

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Dear Ken, the agony uncle for those chess players in need of advice.

James, Northampton hello Ken and thank you for publishing my letter. It’s about something that happened at our club. One of our members is gay and very flirtatious. In recent months he’s been accused of following club members about and sexually harassing them. We had a meeting and agreed to ask him to stop. Anyway, it didn’t and on one evening he tried to molest one of the pensioners who plays for us. When the club secretary went to speak to him, he pulled out a knife and stabbed him. He then ran off. We learn that he’s joined the Rushden club and is behaving in the same manner. Should we warn them of him or get him banned?

KEN: this geezer sounds like a right shister but the solution is simple. On a match night, make sure you get a good few pints in, get yourself lagered up. Then drive over to this Rushton club and stab him back! If he tries it on, batter the bastard. Don’t get the old bill involved for fuck’s sake. Just, erm, go over there pissed up and knife him.

James, Northampton But Ken, we could kill him?

KEN: you won’t kill him unless you hit vital or non vital organs. Just put a blade in his back and get him put on the sex offenders register.

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